Variations of Three Simple Questions
I am repeating the three questions explored by Michael Thompson here who had picked them up from the self-help author James Clear:
Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said by me?
Does this need to be said by me right now?
How many times do each of us need to follow these words — whether it be in our most sacred relationships with family or friends, our workplaces, or even just at the local grocery store? Even the most laid back, easygoing among us can have those moments where we feel like lashing out. In moments where we are startled, it can be tempting to let some diatribe of words and flowing emotions spew out to make a tense situation worse. The satisfaction is short lived when you realize the unavoidable hurt associated with your words or actions. In this age of internet and social media platforms, those printed words never really fade away. With the age-old mediums of face-to-face interactions, the words may vanish but the lingering damage may never fully subside.
I remember a couple of years back I was the one who was a little inconsiderate and snarky at my local grocery store. I was in a hurry and all of the open checkout lanes were crowded. This was even before the pandemic, but it appeared the store was short of help that day. I slowly lost patience as a few minutes ticked away into ten, then fifteen. Finally I got through to an express checkout person and was barely able to say a “thank you” after they checked me out. On the way out the door, I passed a shift manager who was diligently bagging groceries.
“I guess your store likes to make people wait in line.” I sneered.
“I’m sorry about that,” the unsuspecting manager looked at me surprised. Every time I went in the store months after that, he still gave me that startled look. Yes, we all have those moments.
But on the flip side, are there not also situations where we absolutely should assertively address tough situations, but don’t? What about those times where we witness unimagibly negative, unacceptable, and harmful behaviors and yet for some reason do not say or do anything about it? Certainly, numerous factors understandably influence our reactions in such moments. These factors include the social norms, past experiences, and subconscious programs that to some extent predispose us to act a certain way in unexpected situations. Perhaps a strategy of reconditioning ourselves with proactive habits would be rephrasing those three questions.
What needs to be said or done in this situation to help stand up for what is good, right, and just?
Could I be the one to speak or act?
How soon should I speak or act?
What if, for instance, you see a coworker saying inappropriate things or acting out of source? It may be so easy to turn a blind eye to such behavior or even laugh along in feigned camraderie or just sheer shell-shock. But it takes guts to speak up and address the behavior. Even something non-accusatory can work, like “hey, do you realize how hard your words are making it for some of us to do our jobs?” If the person just continues, then you can take additional steps.
Sometimes, it can be a very bad idea to put yourself in the middle of something. Thank goodness, then, for the resources and methods that are available for you to seek help or recourse in a more secure manner. Workplaces often have a method or network for reporting things anonymously. And communities have numerous support resources available. Sometimes, especially with the most egregious of situations, seeking help from a community, social, religious, or government agency is necessary. Whatever you can do to help remediate a difficult situation, whether happening to you or someone else, can help bring real lasting changes.
Of course, this is all easier said than done. I must say myself that the application of these variations to the three simple questions is often done on sleepless nights as I replay events from years and years ago in my mind. “If I had spoken up at exactly this time.” “If I had taken assertive action at exactly the moment this happened.” Such past incidents may come back to revisit each of us at times. But another variation of the three questions might be the following.
“What can be learned from those past events?”
“What alternative words or actions will be necessary and helpful for me if situations like these arise in the future?”
“How might I prepare myself now for such situations.”
Often, the best movement forward is falling forward.
