Please Don’t Feel Too Bad By Being “Ghosted”
I came across this article by Christine Stevens. It was very eloquent and humorous while also being practical about a sometimes saddening subject — being “ghosted” by old friends. You know, “ghosting?” It’s that phenomenon where dear people in your life suddenly seem to disappear and stop staying in contact with you. But while Stevens’ piece is quite humorous and insightful(I hope she does write a book about the topic), I think she would be the first to remind us we should not take such occurrences too much to heart.
Don’t let it get to you if old friends(or even family members)“ghost” you. The phenomenon really has happened throughout history in numerous forms. Perhaps this is the other side of the coin to the infinite blessings we humans have always found unfolding in relationships over the ages. Remember Shakespeare’s seemingly cruel and impersonal mention of wife Anne in his will: “Item I gyve unto my wife my second best bed with the furniture?” Some sources say the bequeathing of the bed was actually anything but cruel. The second best bed was usually a very expensive and unmatchable household item. But still, the nature of the text does not sound meant for someone you’ve shared a life with — “the item I give unto my wife” sounds more like he was leaving something for the doorman.
I think we all have times where we have felt “ghosted” by others. Many of us also have been the “ghoster” — either intentionally or unintentionally. I often look through social media feeds and wonder “who is that person?” “Oh yeah, that was so and so from high school. . .” “Oh, I worked with them at. . .are they doing well?” And all of a sudden you realize that you have inadvertently forgotten about these people(or at least they crept away to the least-accessed parts of your memory). What is worst, deliberately avoiding someone or just naturally finding even the faint recognition of them slip your mind? With the latter, it seems all too natural. For each of us humans, our experience or perception of anything or anyone is always piecemeal anyways. This is due in great part to the unbounded complexity inherent in each person(as in each reality in the universe) that we might only just begin to know even those closest to us anyway.
When the pandemic happened and billions of people around the world were forced to their living rooms and back-home offices, only able to see family members, friends, and colleagues through Zoom or Skype meetings, a traditional rhyme sprung to my mind.
Here is the church
And here is the steeple
Open the doors
And see all the people
Close the doors
And hear them prayer
Open the doors
And they all walk away
How many normally bright and bustling cities around the globe turned dim and desolate overnight in the early months of 2020? Even many of the world’s largest cities looked like a large restricted archaeological site or an extended “restricted access” zone. Is it not true that history holds countless such cases of whole communities, cities, and even nations becoming deserted? Is it not crazy we find so many “ghost” towns and cities in any corner of the world?
Yes perhaps from a larger scale we look like ants fleeing here and there — all massing together to build large structures, flood streets and walkways, and go about our necessary business before each of us scurries off to hidden, unknown locations. This is nature unfolding. One positive thing to remember is that when any ghosting occurs — whether on micro or macro levels — the people who seem to disappear are generally simply transitioning. They transition to new relationships, groups, organizations, and areas. At the same time, a part of every past relationship, group or organization always stays with each of us.
But when it is our closest human kin — whether family members, dearest friends, confidantes, or mere acquaintances — all of a sudden seem to disappear from our lives(often without any explanation) it can be especially devastating. How can we remedy such pain and hurt that can come from severed ties, whether deliberate or not?
Often, when things are broken a healthy alleviating strategy is to celebrate what remains. Count your blessings instead of your curses, the old adage goes, and it works so well here. For as many people who leave our lives, there are just as many or more who constantly enter. What are some new opportunities that may be available for us to increase the number of new people we can connect with? Perhaps social groups, shared hobby or interest clubs, or even online connections? What if we were to volunteer or join a new service organization? No matter what our age or background, each day gives each of us a new opportunity to meet new people and forge new relationships that can last the rest of our lives.
Also, what about those people in our lives who never leave at all? These people may be our nearest and dearest family, friends, or confidantes who love us most wholly and remind us of our genuine selves when we may have forgotten. Do most of us not have at least a handful of old friends or acquaintances who we run into at the most unexpected of moments? They show us how much of an impact our lives have. Over the past few years, I have been blessed with dozens of encounters with old friends who I was able to pick up where we left off years ago in conversation. And what about those closest of kin in the form of family or dear friends who never seem to forget our unique magic or stop wholly loving us? These people see right into our deeper selves. I remember always my late grandmother who remembered how I “was the most wonderful baby to cuddle with” even after I was in my 30s.
Another thing to remember is that no matter who knows us or doesn’t, no matter who remembers us or forgets, we are all connected in unity and love on a deeper spiritual level —connected to each other as humans and to the universe beyond humans. As the eloquent book The Courage To Be Disliked states: “You belong to the community of earth and to the community of the universe.” Each of us is seamlessly connected to everyone and everything else. Each of our thoughts, prayers, energy, and actions send ripples out to the greater whole, and others’ back to us. Try to imagine at any second how many people’s positive thoughts, prayers, and actions are directly or indirectly impacting you from any corner of the world. Or, try and comprehend every time you offer thoughts and prayers of love to your fellow humans or creatures in the greater world or if you perform even the smallest acts of goodwill or charity — how much do these acts correlate out to others and multiply numerous times over? Yes, these are incomprehensible miracles!
Yes, especially during the holiday season many might feel tension and hurt factored by incidents of “ghosting” or estrangement. But if we remember these sad incidents and their corollary negatives in the larger whole, then we can perhaps at least start to build a better understanding “ghosting” or estrangements. If deeper connections in unity and love bind us all no matter what, and if we are all seamlessly joined in the larger whole then let us not get too caught up in ghostings or estrangements that inadvertently occur as part of life’s continuous movement and flux.
