Empathy — All Too Human, Fortunately
In many ways today more than ever, the virtue of empathy is in high demand. So blessed are those who can fully implement this immeasurably valuable skill in relationships, jobs, community roles, or simple interactions with a stranger. Highly empathic individuals are often prized as “saints” or said to possess a “heart of gold.” Common definitions of empathy, such as “the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person, animal, or fictional character,” even paint the skill as almost superhuman.
But is this miraculous and graced virtue only available for the select few? Do you have to achieve angelic status in order to practice it? If we idealize any virtue too much, we risk making it seem unattainable. Empathy is certainly an invaluable quality. Also, like most virtues, the quest to continue fine-tuning the skill is virtually endless. However, empathy does not need to be in short supply. The virtue is very accessible and natural to humans. Virtually anyone can learn and develop this wonderful skill.
No Clairvoyance Required
Sometimes it seems as though to really engage with and connect with another, you need the sixth sense of clairvoyance. How can you really ever tell what someone is thinking, feeling, or perceiving unless you have some sort of reading showing the results? “Oh, I am looking into the crystal ball here and realizing you are very distressed.” Thankfully, you don't have to be able to read minds in order to practice empathy. You don’t have to take special medicine or eat a special herb. You just need to bring your mind, heart, and deeper self to the conversation. You just need to show you care.
Empathy requires you to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and experience part of their inner world. This goes beyond mere sympathy, which is feeling sorrow or pain for the other. Empathy takes a step further to start feeling with the other. One of the key habits of highly empathic people is they are able to radically listen to others. Critical listening requires not only processing the content of the verbal and nonverbal information one relays, but also actively discerning their emotional state and needs. For example, imagine you are out for dinner with friends. You are all talking away and enjoying yourselves, and then the food comes. As you go to grab a bite one of your friends says “oh my, this plate is rotten.” If you look at your friend and frown, stating “oh no, that’s horrible. Let’s call over the server,” then you are practicing sympathy. If you go over to your friend’s side, visually scan their plate, then take a smell so you can sense the food’s rotten state for yourself, then this is empathy. You have made efforts to understand your friend’s reality from your own point-of-view, and allowed their experience to profoundly affect you. If you are able to make efforts to do this regularly with others’ emotions, perceptions, and experiences rather than just their dinner plate, then you are a champion at empathy.
But remember again, empathy is not mind-reading. Rather, empathy seems to be a natural link between the discrete worlds of unique emotions, perceptions, and experiences of two or more individuals(or groups). Imagine if you are happy and content in your own life, so it is like the sun is shining down on you. However, another person you know is miserable and down, almost as though a giant storm cloud is hanging over them and pounding down rain. In your happy state, you could easily just say from afar “Oh my, it looks pretty bad for them over there.” But if you want to connect with the other person and offer a warm hand, you might dare to stick your hand into their thunderstorm, and let even just a few pelts of water make their way back into your sunny world. This small stream from their darkened state can change you as you experience a small piece of their reality.
Apologies for the crude illustration that is also incomplete. The other side of this image is that by offering your helping hand, you also can pour some of your sunlight over to brighten their world a bit. One key insight this leads to is that it is because of our naturally distinct worlds of experience that empathy is possible and so unimaginably powerful. If we did have clairvoyance so that we could automatically read others’ minds and emotional states, might it almost take away from our humanity? We seem naturally built to constantly expand our horizons and continuously transform ourselves.
Empathy Can Be an Enhancement (and Not Forgetting) of Self
So many times, we may hear that empathy requires utter selflessness. “Put your own self on the back burner and put someone else first for a change.” “You were given two ears and only one mouth for a reason, so be quiet and listen.” Certainly, putting the other person before yourself is a key part of empathy(as it is other parts of life). So is quieting of your own thoughts and feelings to some degree so that you can let those experiences of the other in. But none of these actions requires a complete forgetting and abandonment of self. Quite the contrary, if we are to completely forget ourselves, empathy might not even be possible at all. We cannot feel, perceive, or experience as the other. We must feel perceive, or experience much of their world from our own lens.
Now, this section could easily delve into philosophical or spiritual musing about the real nature of the self and ego. But honestly, as Martin Buber explores in his spiritual masterpiece I and Thou, our deepest and truest selves are illuminated through our connection and relationships with others. This is in part because our deeper selves are already seamlessly connected to everyone and everything else. As the eloquent book The Courage To Be Disliked states: “You belong to the community of earth and to the community of the universe.” So, empathy is just one practice that naturally thickens those deeper strings conjoining us to the other. Rather than distorting, empathy is one key way to expand and enhance our deepest selves and beings.
Considering (Though Not Always Understanding) the Other Side
The truth is, you may not always understand someone else’s position — on an intellectual, emotional, or even human level. This is certainly the case in anything from politics to spiritual beliefs to dietary practices. It is also the case for experiences down to different perceptions of basic life events. This lack of understanding has nothing to do with lack of care or will. Rather it is because in so many things we humans simply cannot understand. At some level, there is this level of incomprehensibility to everything. In these areas, attempting to comprehend would be akin to attempting to fly with natural mechanisms or perceive through echolocation.
What are some reasons for the inability to directly understand another’s perspective or experience? Perhaps the other person has a completely different background. One such example of this is certainly the differences between or maybe they hold a whole history of distinct experiences. It is also due to the fact that any reality being considered will have unbounded complexity from which two different points of view may seem to clash with one another after finding utterly contrasting aspects.
In these situations, the practice of empathy can at least help us to consider the other person’s point of view. This begins with humility to acknowledge that we cannot understand. “I cannot imagine what that is like,” or “I cannot understand that myself,” might be some good starting points. And then once you’ve acknowledged their position, showing openness and appreciation towards their perspective opens the door to empathy. Often just by appreciating the prospect that their feelings, perceptions, and position have relational validity and truth from their viewpoint — just the same as yours does from your viewpoint — is all that is needed for this step before you are then able to connect. And once the connection takes place, you have succeeded in enhancing your own perspective. Now, you have the building blocks on which you can build a foundation for understanding at least a part of their reality(while also appreciating the part that cannot be understood). One statement to open this door might go like “Although I don’t have any idea what that may be like for you, I fully acknowledge your feelings and views are valuable. Share with me.”
This not only applies to feelings and experiences, but also to other domains as well. We may not be able to understand the philosophical, moral, or spiritual perspectives of the other from our vantage point. One example might be the vegan specialty store that cannot foster business partnerships with local dairy farmers or someone with a lifelong fear of heights understanding firsthand the health benefits of skydiving. But how might situations and affairs in our world run differently if more people at least made room to consider other points of view? Again, considering the other point of view does not mean you understand all (or most) parts of it. But at least be open to the prospect that it has as much value and truth from the other vantage point as yours does from your vantage point. Also, considering the other’s viewpoint does not mean we must forget our own point of view. Rather, by considering that which seems completely other, we can reach an enhanced perspective. And since each of us is hardly pecking at the surface of things from our own vantage point, is an expanding of horizons not always something we should be seeking?
Empathy Has its Limits
As we have explored empathy and recognized it as very accessible to humans, even in our unboundedly complex reality, we should also make sure to remember its limits. Just as it is often impossible to understand someone else’s experience or position(and a part of it is always going to be inaccessible), we also need to remember that many times it may not be feasible or even possible to practice certain forms of empathy. We can certainly seek to understand and appreciate someone’s point of view if they are down, but if their thoughts or feelings are toxic, negative, or even possibly harmful in some way they should be spoken out against and even circumvented. Interestingly enough, in these situations, empathy and appreciation of the other’s viewpoint are necessary to gather what the person’s valid position and authentic understanding may be underneath a whole mess of fog. But then, if possible, it takes special work to examine how or why the other person has strayed from that understanding in a negative way. Then, we can work to help them find their way through the fog.
This sounds very daunting and overwhelming. It is good to know that a whole world of resources is often available for someone to navigate through whatever dark rut they may be stuck in. If we don’t have what it takes to help that person ourselves, we can at least point them in the direction of those who can. Also, it is again important to make the point here that we don’t need a magic wand or powers of hypnosis to cure people of toxins that may obstruct their viewpoints. Quite often,the best thing we can do is plant seeds to challenge prejudices or negatives bias while we also work to overcome the negative elements in our own point of view.
Thank Goodness For Empathy
When we look at online and social media feeds, digital, television, and radio streaming platforms, or just see our fellow humans out and about in the world, we can see that empathy is in high demand. However, empathy is not a specialized trait that only the most exceptional may have. Rather, empathy is all too natural and accesible to each of us. Empathy does not demand mind-reading abilities, but just requires us to care, listen, and consider someone else’s point of view and experience. Empathy can help illuminate and nurture our deepest selves while strengthening the most intricate of connections with out fellow humans. And since a kind smile, caring ear, and gentle heart are always in demand, isn’t it wonderful we need not wait too long to start practicing this miraculous virtue!
