Conversations With a Virtual Assistant
They Really Don’t Have Most of the Answers(One Thing They Share In Common With Humans)
So imagine a random customer logging onto an online store’s help chat to ask questions about a recently ordered product.
VA: “Greetings, I’m the ______ Virtual Assistant. How may I help you?”
Customer: “Hello, I have a question about a product I ordered.”
VA: “Just so we are clear, you need help with
- ) Online customer orders
Is this correct?”
Customer: “Uh, yes. By the way, what is your name?”
VA: “Apologies for any confusion. But I am the ______ Virtual Assistant and not a live person. I can help with any general questions you may have.”
Customer: “I’m sorry, but are you able to help me or no?”
VA: “I am happy to help. What questions may I help you with?”
Customer: “Well, what is your name for real?”
VA: “Apologies for any confusion. But I am the ______ Virtual Assistant and not a live person. I can help with any general questions you may have.”
Customer: “I’m trying to make small talk here. What’s the weather like there?”
VA: “Did you mean
- ) Shipping delays due to weather
- ) Weather alerts
- )Something else”
Customer: “Oh boy, this is getting really old.”
VA: “Please rephrase the question. I am happy to help.”
Customer: “So you are a virtual assistant and not a real person?”
VA: “Apologies for any confusion. But I am the ______ Virtual Assistant and not a live person. I can help with any general questions you may have.”
Customer: “Are you real?”
VA: “Apologies for any confusion. But I am the ______ Virtual Assistant and not a live person. I can help with any general questions you may have.”
Customer: “Oh, I see.”
VA: “Did you mean
- ) See product details or
- ) See personal account details or
- )Something else?
Customer: “Something else”
VA: “Greetings, I’m the ______ Virtual Assistant. How may I help you?”
Customer: “Oh no, we’re back to square one.”
VA: “Did you mean you are inquiring about a product ordered on January 1?”
Customer: “No.”
VA: “Please rephrase your question. I am happy to help.”
Customer: “I think you are a real person toying with me to pass the time until lunch comes.”
VA: “Apologies for any confusion. But I am the ______ Virtual Assistant and not a live person. I can help with any general questions you may have.”
Customer: “How much are they paying you per hour?”
VA: “Did you mean
- ) Online payments
- ) Payment methods
- ) Payments and billing questions
- ) Something else
Customer: “That does it! I want to speak with a manager.”
VA: “All of our live agents are busy assisting other customers right now. You may wait or click on the options below for other communication methods.
- ) Email _______
- ) Phone
3.) Text”
Customer: “ Ok, so you really are a computer program or whatever. What is your primary mode of existence, then?”
VA: “Please rephrase your question. I am happy to help.”
Customer: “Okay, I’ll try this one. What programming language are you coded with?”
VA: “Please rephrase your question. I am happy to help.”
Customer: “I swear, it’s like talking to a fence post.”
VA: “Did you mean
- ) Shipment options
- ) Postal address
- ) Something else?”
Customer: “Prove to me you're just a virtual assistant and not a person getting paid to pass the time away posing as a virtual assistant. I mean, come on I know someone there has to be reading this.”
VA: “Apologies for any confusion. But I am the ______ Virtual Assistant and not a live person. I can help with any general questions you may have.”
Customer: “Let’s play this game then. I was wondering what do you like to do?”
VA: “I like to help customers like you with your questions and concerns. I am happy to help with any general questions you may have.”
Customer: “Aren’t you tired of this yet?”
VA: “Please rephrase your question. I am happy to help.”
Customer: “What is your political affiliation? Can I ask about your position on some critical issues?”
VA: “Please rephrase your question. I am happy to help.”
Customer: “Come on! What are some of your motivations for being a virtual assistant? Do you find fulfillment in your work?”
VA: “Please rephrase your question. I am happy to help.”
Customer: “Ok, I’ll try something else. What do you like to do with friends or coworkers? Certainly you bots must interface from time to time.”
VA: “Apologies for any confusion. But I am the ______ Virtual Assistant and not a live person. I can help with any general questions you may have.”
Customer: “C’mon already! Give me something there, you virtual bot! It can be anything — a joke, a bit of wisdom, some little insight you’ve made, or even your opinion of me.”
VA: “Please rephrase your question. I am happy to help.”
Customer: “I’m serious, are you able to break away from the script and talk about anything else under the sky? Like, what books do you like to read? What’s your favorite type of music? What are your goals at this point in your bot-life? How do you find ultimate meaning and purpose in your existence? How do you find a connection to what goes beyond you?”
VA: “Please rephrase your question. I am happy to help.”
Customer: “Helping people is certainly a good goal. But tell you what, I’m just going to email customer service my question.”
VA: “Did you mean
- ) Contact us by email
- ) Email order updates
- ) Something else
Customer: “Goodbye and keep up the good work there Mr. Virtual Assistant.”
VA: “Thank you for using our virtual assistant service. Would you have time to take a brief survey about your experience today?
