A Tote Full of Her Deeper Self
And Handfuls Tossed Into the Street
I waited until the guy and gal had walked a few blocks before I arose from the bench to continue my journey. I did not want them to notice what I was doing. I lifted up my heavy tote bag, resembling those crafty reusable grocery bags. I had bought mine at a garage sale decades ago, just a nice cream-yellow one with a large front pocket and a couple of white flowers sewn on the front. It was one of many I used to collect this bulky and weighty substance. I could hardly keep it shoulder-width high for very long. The bag was super heavy and full, though it seemed to any passerby to be utterly empty and weightless.
As I walked down the street, I discreetly kept reaching into my very heavy tote and taking out handfuls of the carried substance. Making sure no one noticed, I threw each handful of the substance out into the open air around me. I could see the particles flying far and near, sometimes some semblance floating off in a heavy wind. Strangely, if others were to have passed by, the substance may have been invisible.
I walked several blocks tossing handfuls of the substance left and right. No one ever seemed to care what I was doing(if they happened to even stop and look). If they did notice, they often just assumed I was not all there cognitively or thought perhaps I was just throwing out birdseed. That is why I waited until after sunset. That particular evening was no different. At least for those first several blocks. I usually paced a few miles worth of city blocks, throwing out handfuls until my prized tote was almost empty.
But right around the eighth block(or maybe it was close to the tenth, I had lost track), I heard a booming voice behind me.
“Ma’am, please stop and drop your bag to the side. Then turn around and face me with your hands up.”
I then noticed a light flickering to my left front. Clearly, the guy was pointing a flashlight. I did as told, dropping the bag abruptly and turning around. It was a police officer, no doubt. The light flashed right in my face and I quickly closed my eyes.
I heard the footsteps rush toward me and the man reached over to grab the bag. He then went behind me and started patting me down. I opened my eyes and looked ahead, quite humiliated and fearful.
“Do you realize that both tossing prohibited objects into the street and littering are both city code violations, miss?”
The officer came around the front, now opening the bag and looking in while watching me at the same time. I could tell that he was an older gentleman because his hands seemed rather wrinkled and the traces of his hair I could make out were advancing grey. Also, his overweight frame suggested that innocent yet suspicious middling wandering women like myself were the most entertaining people he dealt with.
“This would not be one of those prohibited objects,” I replied.
“Well, I saw you tossing whatever it was into the streets almost three blocks back.” The officer quipped. “But what’s the meaning of this? The bag is empty.”
“It is still about halfway full!” I countered.
Even though dark, I could make out the confused glare on the officer’s face as he shined the light on my face once again.
“Lady, you are not making any sense!!”
“It’s not a physical substance, but a nonmaterial spiritual one.” I reached out my hand in protest for my bag back. The officer slowly handed it over.
“So, you’re not really carrying anything. Nor are you throwing anything, is that right?” The officer’s voice seemed softer, more sympathetic now.
“Well, as I said, it’s certainly something.” I knew now I must share my secret, though something now told me it would only offer more magic and good energy.
“See, officer, I leave a few bags including this one on my bedside floor. Every night before I go to lie down I pick up one of the bags and place my hands on it for a few moments, releasing my feelings, thoughts, and spiritual vibes I have collected throughout the day.”
The officer had shifted the shining flashlight to his side now, holding it freely so the light bounced off the ground. Though I could not see his face, I could tell he was calm and listening intently. I continued on.
“All of those collected inner energies — both light and dark, positive and negative — mix together into a beautiful substance I like to think is a little bit of my deepest self. After I’ve released enough of this, I lay the bag back on the floor and go to sleep. My dreams add a final ingredient to the mix. In a few days, the bag I’ve been using starts to get full. I then walk the streets at night throwing these concocted spiritual energies out into the streets, hoping to add a little extra joy, hope, love, humor, resilience, triumph over dark things, zest, peace of mind, and numerous other elements of my deeper self to the world.”
After I finished I waited for the officer to reply. But he only walked up close to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, patting it with kindness. I could faintly make out a bright smile on his face. And his voice broke as he then responded.
“Goodness, miss, I am so sorry for disrupting you tonight. Thank you for your love and care. Your positive energy certainly makes my job easier. I’m sure these streets are a bit safer because of you.”
“No problem,” I responded and patted his hand in kind. Then, I wrapped my bag around my shoulder and turned to continue.
“One question, ma’am, before you continue on.” The officer now walked up to my side and shone the light so I could see his face. I could tell now there was a light in his eyes that had been dormant before.
“May I accompany you for a few more blocks? I would love to help spread the positive energy if I could.”
I nodded and then found myself holding out my bag in front of him. To my surprise, he reached in and grabbed a small handful of the substance. I did the same. And we both threw our handfuls in the air, watching merrily with our spiritual eyes as particles flew far and near.
